Fate is cruel: A G Gundam next generation tale
by Sanzolicious
Summary: Fate is always watching, waiting to claim life, to bring death. Even the strongest Gundam fighters cannot escape her wrath.
1. Prologue

"What was the start of all this? When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?"- The Book Of Fate, Chrono Cross  
  
Chibodee Crocket was dead. Cold in his grave, buried next to his first wife, Millenia Harte. Chibodee had been dead for 6 year; millenia had been dead for 16. Chibodee had remarried Allenby a few years ago. There is no record yet of whether or not they had children but it was known that Chibodee had had four children with his first wife. Those children, Roan, Freya, Aira, and Clover, had all been scattered after Chibodee's death. Freya and Aira were sent to boarding school and Roan and Clover were sent to live with Shirley Lane. Life was cruel and harsh, the world did not care for orphan children, and a harsh life was laid out for the four. They'd meet with more death and despair if fate had her way, but she could be altered as well. For if fate were to be altered, the four might rise above the challenges. If they could not, they'd sink into the eternal slumber, which had since claimed both of their parents. But scattered as they were, they could not overcome fate. They were weak divided, though strong physically, they were only half without each other.  
  
"And thus the life force called serge was not even allowed to be born into this world, fate has no forgiveness for those who stand against her"-The Book Of Fate, Chrono Cross 


	2. a woman

"I have come to see with eyes unclouded by hate." Ashitaka, Mononoke Hime.  
  
What does it take to be a woman as apposed to a girl? Vast knowledge? Great beauty? A heart of gold? All of these? Freya Crocket had graduated boarding school long ago and was now a doctor. This did not satisfy her, for she was missing two very important things, she'd been away from home to long to remember what. She was sure the feeling would pass.  
  
Freya had been longing to be whole forever. She'd fallen into depression and though she tried to deny it, she was lonely. She hated the gnawing empty feeling in her stomach, but she'd never get rid of it, not till she found what she'd lost.  
  
"Is something wrong, Freya?"  
  
"No, Aira, I'm fine."  
  
Aira Crocket was Freya's younger sister, Aira was sure of what she was missing, her brother, Roan, and her sister, Clover.  
"I guess it's impossible to control fate..to manipulate the flow of time..to stop death..even a budding beauty such as our youngest sister will eventually wilt and die..that's just the way life is..eternity is not something that can be attained. The dead cannot live again..perhaps in a spiritual manner, but certainly not on this plain."  
"Gosh, that's pretty, Freya, what's it all mean?"  
  
"The poor people..death is their salvation."-Selene, Grandia2 


	3. Clover's lament

"What was the start of all this?  
When did the cogs of fate begin to turn? It is impossible to grasp even now from within the flow of time.  
But for certainty, back then we loved so many yet hated so much We hurt others and were hurt ourselves.  
Yet still, we ran like the wind, whilst our laughter echoed beneath cerulean skies."- The book of fate, Chrono Cross  
  
F.C. 81:Why did I do it? It was stupid really. just dumb. Dimitrov was only my friend; Katsuhiko was my boyfriend. right.? Oh Katsu, why'd you kill yourself? Why? WHY? WHY?!  
Clover Crocket, Chibodee and Millenia's youngest daughter, was a beautiful and sweet girl. Not very bright, but graceful and charming. However, her lack of brainpower caused lots of trouble for her. For instance, a few days ago, she'd passionately kissed her best friend, Dimitrov Gulskii. That wouldn't have been bad, except Clover's boyfriend, Katsuhiko Ishikawa had found out and he'd killed himself. Clover had never meant for that to happen, but it did. But now it was all over.  
"Why did he have to die?" Clover sobbed. "Why?"  
Now: Clover hated herself; she wanted to die as well. This world is horrible. why does everyone have to die? She thought sadly.  
A young man in a wheelchair wheeled into the room, he sighed as he looked at Clover. He knew her misery was all his fault, but he couldn't quite figure out why. He placed a thick, firm hand on Clover's shoulder.  
"Clover? Are you okay?" He sighed. "I'm sorry, if I hadn't said I loved you this never would've happened."  
He loves me? Why? How? No! This is all wrong, Dimitrov is my friend, Katsu is alive and he's my boyfriend and daddy never died either! Wake up Clover! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!  
It's only an awful dream. wake up.wake up.  
Clover rocked back and forth, sobbing and screaming in her bedroom that night.  
My life was different from the lives of most Neo American girls.for instance, my dad wanted me to pursue my dream to become a gundam fighter. However.Douglas and Grumman had other plans. They wanted my brother to be the gundam fighter they hated me because not only was I part Irish, but I was a girl. So.Here Clover paused to sob. Douglas and Grumman hired Michelo Cheriot to kidnap me and kill my father. Allenby was there and helped me escape, but it was too late for my dad. Even so, I hated Allenby.she was always a grim reminder that my father could've been saved if that selfish witch had gotten there on time. I.was always miserable. I was raised by Shirley Lane, a member of my father's support crew. I had to work for her as a servant till I was fifteen, when she sold me to a man twice my age as a mistress. I refused to comply to the man's disgusting demands, so I was thrown out onto the street.Clover paused again, looking distraught and beautifully so.I wanted to die, every day was miserable, but I found reasons to keep on living.I had friends.Dimitrov, Ruki, Marette, Kari, Katsuhiko, Steve, Billy, Jace, Chris, Nefertiri, and Shari. They were all orphans like me. We all suffered and were hurt by people. We shared our troubles and our sorrows. We had fun. When I was 16, Katsuhiko fell in love with me. Life was good, I had a boyfriend. Then.when we'd been dating for a year, he committed suicide, that same year, our baby son, Katsuo, died of blood poisoning. I would've died too if it weren't for D.J. He was my boyfriend for a while.But.then.Niko came along. I loved Niko.and yet I hated him, because I couldn't be with D.J any longer if I loved Niko. Eventually, D.J killed himself.or so we all thought.that was when Niko and I were married. A few months later, we had a daughter. we named her Rae. Niko and I were happy.then.Samantha came along. She supposedly killed Niko. I found out that D.J was still alive and.oh, the rest of that part of my life is unspeakable. Anyway Niko died just before our second child, Kohaku, was born. I took comfort by staying with D.J. He gave me comfort beyond comfort.it was true love all over again.Then.I found out that I was, again, pregnant. This time D.J was the father.I was happy about it, but Niko's sister, Dana, whom I despise, said that D.J was using me.my friend Ruki agreed.our friendship ended.my life had gone downhill. I wanted to die, but I couldn't, for 9 months I'd be, again, responsible for another life sleeping inside me and.if I died.ohhh, it'd be horrible.and.D.J would.be alone.  
Clover stood up and walked out of her house. She walked until she reached her mother's rose garden and sat down on an old stone bench. She looked up at the night sky and sang to herself. a song from Outlaw star. "I don't know. what words I can say. the wind has a way. to talk to me. flowers sleep.a silent lullaby, I pray for reply, I'm ready.quiet.day.calms.me..O serenity..someone..please..tell..me.mmmm, what is it they say? Maybe I will know one day."  
Then.she fell asleep. 


	4. like this blade

"Like this blade, strong and bright! As this sword, pure and true! WE WILL BE WARRIORS!"-Ryudo and Melfice, Grandia2  
  
Roan Crocket couldn't believe it. He was being shipped off to military school. He was only 14. He'd recently called his foster mother a bitch because she'd been hurting his sister. Shirley, the foster mother, hated Roan and wished to rid herself of him.  
So, Roan stayed in military school for 2 years, then went on to become a marine. He was given honorable discharge 2 years later when his left arm became paralyzed in a helicopter accident. Roan was lucky to only receive that injury, all the other pilots who were involved ended up dead.  
Roan was glad to be home. He'd missed his little sister. It made him happy to learn that Clover had escaped from the clutches of Shirley.However..Roan went out one day to find his other two sisters, on his way home from the failed search he met up with, instead, two men, Neo American defense guys, Douglas and Grumman, who asked him if he'd like to gain more power than even his father, the great Chibodee Crocket, had ever attained. Roan had been a good soldier and knew these men worked at the pentagon so he had to respect them, so he pretended to be interested and stopped to listen. They told Roan that all he had to do was get his little sister out of the picture and he'd be the only surviving Crocket, which would give him the same fame and glory as most surviving members of important families. Roan was a bit of an idiot, and he liked this idea, so he agreed. Later on, Roan married Samantha Higgens, daughter of Wong Yunfat and Bunny Higgens. Eventually, Roan wasn't satisfied with her and decided he'd rather have Niko's sister, Dana. Dana was dead, so Roan committed suicide. Roan eventually came back to life but then he again cheated on his wife, this time, with the landlady of his apartment building. Roan's wife committed suicide, leaving Roan alone with Andrew, his and Samantha's only child. After that, Roan began abusing Clover, as the defense guys had told him. Roan had become far from what he wanted to be. He'd wanted to be like his father..but Roan.would never be Chibodee..never..  
  
"Some people see the future, others create it, you must become a creator!"- Filris, Lirael. 


	5. ai no sakelove of booze

"yes, but why's the rum gone?"-Jack Sparrow, pirates of the carribean.  
  
'Is it heredity in the Crocket family to love booze? I've always assumed so...dad loved it, Roan loves it, Aira likes wine, Freya likes fire whiskey...boooooooooze...*hic* Yo Ho Yo Ho, a pirates life for me..' After this, Clover passed out, she wakes up an hour later... 'Where was I? Oh..right..booze. sake. Alcohol. whatever.rum...vodka..wine coolers..wine..tequila..sake..gin..beer..ah..corona..my favorite.or a margarita. yummy. Yessir, beer takes all your troubles away..Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum..heh heh.ahhh...I've always loved booze, ever since I was 9 and I stole some out of Shirley's fridge. It was a Corona..the best booze in all Neo America. It was so great, I was hooked by my second sip. I loved it. If dad was alive, he wouldn't have let me drink. Not till I was 21. But...he was dead, and...I was soooo thirsty. It didn't relieve my thirst, but I was happier..I was over the moon.*hic* Hangovers followed...I hate hangovers. Ugghhh.. So..so anyway..I later got a job at a nightclub...I was a...er... "waitress" of sorts. higher expectations, higher pay, my friend..heh.. suffice to say, my pay was quite high. However..many guys I've dated haven't much liked my job..they feel..cheated..I don't cheat on them..I keep to myself..but still..I guess...my job is a bit degrading.but..it puts food on the table, so I don't care. Why oh why do I bother telling my pathetic life story..*sigh*'  
"g.gimme back m.my gun, gramma."-drunk Vash, episode 3 of Trigun 


	6. Take My Revolution

"I don't know.  
What words I can say,  
The wind has a way,  
To talk to me.  
Flowers sleep, a silent lullaby,  
I pray for reply, I'm ready.  
Quiet, day calms me,  
O serenity,  
Someone, please  
Tell me, mmmm,  
What is it they say?  
Maybe I will know one day"  
-Melfina, Outlaw star  
  
If you want to fight, I have to fight you. Those defense guys force me. Yet they allow my brother to abuse me, yet they want to win the gundam fights. Did I miss something? Is abuse part of training? If so, how come dad never mentioned it? If so, how come dad was so healthy? If so, how did Phia Philadel ever win the second gundam fight? If so, how come Niko isn't a better fighter than me? If so.. okay, I'll stop. Anyway.wait, one more random off topic comment, if wine is fine but whiskey's quicker, then where does beer fall in that category? I love to watch T.V.; I wish I could just watch "Shoujo Kakuemi Utena" all day, why can't I just revolve in a perpetual circle of nothingness like Utena and Anthy? Why am I not popular like Nanami? Is there something I'm missing? Oh well, I can't, because "Utena" is a made up story. I can't be a beautiful rose princess in real life. I mean really, I've got my dad's chin and his pointy nose, which definitely doesn't look good on a girl. Oh well, Ruki has it worse, she inherited her dad's eyebrows, well.. not really, but hers are really thick, also she's really well built, she's femininely muscular with great boobs and a nice butt. Now, I have better boobs and a better butt, but still, I'm scrawny otherwise. Ruki also has a literal prince charming, a steady boyfriend, infact she's engaged to him. I'm not married or engaged.because I've got a constant need for sexual attention from men. But I really do love D.J., we're sort of married, but that's a secret which is why I said I'm not married, don't tell anyone! My brother was married, but his wife got mad because he cheated her, I always warned Roan that he wasn't too good to be tied down to one woman, especially since he's named after a breed of horse. Roan, what a dumb name, at least my dad's name was creative. "Chibodee" and my mom's name too. "Millenia". Oh, I just remembered, my sister, Aira, is a lesbian and my sister Freya is all alone, she wants someone to love but she pretends not too. She's sort of mean, but still, everyone deserves to be loved. Even Shirley. Even Roan. Even all those men who paid Shirley so they could rape me. Even Bunny, Wong, Ulube, Domon, Allenby, Janet, Cath, and all the other people I don't like. I really wish me and D.J. were the only people in a universe of perpetual revolution, revolving in an endless circle, naked and at peace. So serene.. And peaceful. Endless revolution, I wonder if that's possible. To live endlessly in a perpetual circle of darkness, smelling romantically of roses.. "Let go of me, take my revolution" *sigh* so romantic. I want D.J. to be my prince, and I, his rose bride. But rose brides and rose princes aren't real either. Sometimes I wonder why we exist.is any of this for real? What else is out there. Sometimes late ate night, when I'm in my bed, I feel pressure on my body, and I hear a male voice saying "Take my hand and find out". What could be happening? Am I the victim of some sex-starved demon? It'd be hot if I was, but I love D.J., so I can't love a demon too, but then, I don't necessarily have to love someone who rapes me in the middle of the night for it to be hot, but I don't like being raped, so maybe it isn't so hot..or..could I be turning into a depraved female rapist pervert? That'd really suck, because I'm already a whore and a stripper, I don't think I need to make things worse, do you? I though not. But..well..I..I guess I'm a little revolutionary myself..the revolutionary, evolutionary Neo American babe, Clover Crocket!  
"But then.I fell in love with you."  
-Millenia, GrandiaII 


	7. and yet, it pains me to see him this way

"long ago, in a galaxy far far away.."  
-Starwars beginning  
  
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl, her name was Clover and there were these two dickhead defense jerks who wanted to kill her. That girl is me. I'm Clover Crocket, as you all already know, I fight for truth, justice and the neo American way. My brother's name is Roan, my sisters are Aira and Freya. I like boys, books, the internet, anime, and monkeys. Oh, and booze too. Anyway, my brother was corrupted by the Neo American defense guys. They told him that he could hurt me if he wanted.and they'd pay him for it. It was a deal poor Roan couldn't refuse. I hated his new personality, and yet..it pains me to see him this way. I.I..I.just wish...AAAAAAAARGHHHHH!!!I JUST WISH I COULD DIE! I HATE THIS WORLD! I HATE THE COLONIES! SCREW IT ALL!!!! SCREW THE GUNDAM FIGHT, MY FUTURE, MY FAMILY, MY JOB, ALL I HAVE AND LIVE FOR, SCREW IT! I WANNA DIE! I..I.just wanna die.(crying) Oh..oh..I just wanna die.(sob) I hate myself more than anyone else...but..I.cannot just give up living, there's too much I need to learn..I need to know why I exist..I just need to know that..then.I can die happy..that's when I revolutionize the earth and colonies, that's when I become unstoppable, in the memories of those I love, I can never be beaten. In my loneliness and sadness, I am vulnerable.I've never gone this deep into myself, I'm scared.so scared.I see myself alone, naked, in the dark. Laying there.wide eyed..unmoving..doused in blood.am I dying? If so, will my illusion linger? Will I be remembered? Why do I have to die? Big brother, why did you become so evil? WHY WHY WHY? Sometimes I wonder why I deserve to live. then I wonder if not, why do I deserve to die. oh god..all..of the horrible dreams.they're clearer than ever.oooohh..(wince) I...I've had it rough ever since dad died..I don't like living. Sometimes I feel like just a thick headed idiot with no brain. I know I am.so.it makes it worse. I guess my life just isn't meant to be. 


	8. Roan's lament

" That, I will not allow"  
-Mareg, Grandia 2  
  
I feel so low..I can't believe it, my own little sister, I raped her, tried to kill her, tortured her, forced her to have sex with her friend.I'm the lowest scum ever, I am truly the scum of the earth I really hate my life. But Clover seemed happy to see me alive, and even when I abused her, she was always was so cute and perky, she always called me "Big Brother" she never wanted to disown me or run away. She still hugged me whenever I came home even through I usually dragged her into my room, kicking and screaming and raped her. I feel so sick and horrible. That poor sweet kid.I'm so low.I can't believe myself, and poor Samantha, my dear, sweet wife. I've cheated her and tried to kill her, I'm terrible.terrible. and I even allowed someone I once loved to be raped without lifting a finger to stop it.Dana, can you ever forgive me? Clover? Sam? Ruki? Leo? Niko? D.J.? Kimi? Please forgive me.I.I'm a monster.I don't deserve such good friends or such a good family, I'm horrible..I am.truly.awful. I wish I'd never met Douglas and Grumman, or Evan for that matter. Maybe if my true friends forgive me, I can right everything I've wronged..but then again, maybe I can't..  
"We do not know each other through our eyes and ears, but through our HEARTS! You will never take our hearts from us, Zera!"  
Ryudo, GrandiaII 


	9. lost soul

"Tell me what good is winning when you lose your heart?"  
-Brother, my brother, a song by blessed union of souls from pokemon the 1st movie  
  
Roan, it'll be okay, you did the right thing, right?.........No, Clover, I was wrong, killing is a horrible, horrible thing.. even someone as awful as that man didn't deserve death.....Clover, please stay as innocent as you are now..  
Roan, I'm not innocent, and what're you talking about?  
Clover, you are innocent.and beautiful..  
Roan, I have DG cells on my neck. they will spread throughout my body, revive the dark gundam, and eventually kill me.I do not intend to die without a fight.  
You've got our father's spirit, kid. Roan tried hard not to cry, hearing his younger sister's brave words. I won't let you die. I'll fight for you, that damned son of a bitch from hell won't know what hit it. If it's a fight Kari Ishikawa wants, then dammit, let's give that bitch a fight she'll never forget.  
With pride, with power, with love pure and true..  
WE WILL FIGHT FOR THE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE!  
Roan laughed, he and Clover had made that motto up when they were little Chibodee, their father, had thought it was funny and since then they'd made it the Crocket family motto. Years had passed since that day. Roan had dated lots of girls, Clover had slept with at least two men, and Aira and Freya had been through college.  
Don't worry, big brother, I won't let you or the rest of the family down, I'll make you and dad so proud, you'll see! Tears filled Roan's eyes, Clover was so innocent and sweet. She always looked on the bright side. Roan knew how it would end, though, with Clover inside the dark gundam, bleeding and scared, the evil creature's power source. But Roan wouldn't let that happen, Clover was the Queen of Spades, she'd make it She had to, if she died then the Shuffle Alliance was screwed and it would be all his fault for not protecting her. Still, Chibodee would be very proud of Clover..Roan new what Chibodee would say at a moment like this. "My baby's all grown up! Go get 'em, Clover!"  
  
"But the silence stayed unbroken, and the stillness gave no token, and the only word there spoken was the whispered word "Lenore""  
-The Raven, Edgar Allen Poe 


	10. Roses are red and blood is red too

                Note: Now for a chapter about someone who **isn't** in the Crocket family, meet Clover's best friend, Rukina Alexandra Gulskii (A.K.A Ruki)

       Hi, I'm Ruki Gulskii, I was a normal little girl till I was about 10, that's when I went to the prison in Neo Russia that my mom worked at. I was going to ask her to sign a permission slip for a field trip to the old winter palace in Russia on earth…. but… she was…well…. she was there, but she was hanging from the ceiling by her neck, naked and half frozen. Her eyes were wide and she had a lot of bullet wounds in her body. I don't know who did it or why, but I had a pretty good idea of what'd happened. Then I ran home as fast as I could, I forgot all about the field trip I'd been excited about less than an hour ago, I had to tell my dad. I was crying, but I didn't realize it at the time. I had to tell my dad what'd happened, but when I arrived at home, I saw my dad lying on the floor with his head under the table, and I figured he was fixing it, so I poked him and said "Dad! Come quick! Mom's been killed!" but he didn't move, I turned to find my brother, Dimitrov, but when I turned around, I saw something that made me hurl. My dad's head, separate from his body, and all bloody! I screamed and fell to my knees. I'd lost both parents in one day. It was awful. Anyway, moving on. I have over 13 siblings. My older brother, Dimitrov, his twin, Anastasia, my younger sister, Nastasha, my oldest sister, Natasha, my youngest brother, Vlad, my oldest sibling and many many more, including, Mael, Aline, Abrile, Anne, Devon, Argo the second, Domon, Chibodee, George, and Sai, who are named after my dad's friends. I heard that of all of them, Chibodee and my father, Argo, are the only two who are dead. Chibodee's wife, Hinata, is also dead and has been for about 8 years. Kind of sad, really. I only just learned that Chibodee died. Maybe he killed himself because his heart was broken, that'd be horribly romantic. Lovely, just like a storybook….does Chibodee have kids? I wonder. Do the other shuffle alliance members? I'm the new Black Joker, maybe I should search for the new shuffle alliance, yeah, that's what I'll do! I need to do something with my life. I'm going to Neo America. The new queen of spades must be the girl who sent me the strange transmission I forgot to tell you about. The girl was little and she had long wavy blue hair, the pretty kind. I wish I had nice hair like hers, mine is just so blah. Also she's getting breasts already and she's younger than me. She's got nice blue eyes too, mine are too dark, infact, and she's like a fairytale princess more than a little kid. I hate how everyone's prettier than I am. I wish I was nice looking, I'll probably never get a boyfriend or get married…oh well….maybe I'll be jailed by a male warden who I'll fall in love with. My parents met that way,  except it was the other way around. I wish they were still alive….whoever killed my mom must have raped her too, since she was naked, bruised, and bleeding badly. Maybe one day I'll meet my prince. I'll bet Chibodee's daughter will be a DD cup size by the time she's 14. She's already about an A-cup and she only looked about 8. I'm not even developing yet. My mom always said that big breasts and showy clothing makes a girl look cheap. So maybe Chibodee's daughter won't get a boyfriend, but I will….but then again, maybe mom was just trying to make me feel better… after all, even she was pretty big, I'd say around an E-cup, maybe a DD-cup herself! Oh well, maybe I'll stay flat chested after all, I take after my dad. I've got his horrible thick eyebrows, his huge nose, and his awful habit of silent brooding. That's the time I use to write in my journal (which I am letting you read now, you lucky person) this is the side of Ruki Gulskii (yes, I'm talking in 3rd person) that no one sees. Yup, the Ruki who actually gives a damn about romance and crap like that. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in the world, with no one I can really connect with…I hope I meet the man I connect with one day…

                 "LOOK AT ME! I'M A TERRIFY'N OGRE!"

                                      -Shrek, Shrek.


	11. red blood

Why blood is red: the story of Clover Crocket's past.  
  
" If you've ever seen a unicorn, if you've ever flown upon a griffin.  
Have you ever been kissed by a mermaid? Ridden a centaur?  
Do you trust the white wolf? And the Cerberus? How about a Minotaur?  
Why do you hate ogres? Are they any different from unicorns? Am I?"  
My name is Clover. I am 14 years old at the time. I like animals and books. I'm extremely thin because my foster mom doesn't feed me, and I'm a little on the big side in certain areas. My favorite animal is a wolf. I also like unicorns and monsters. I'm not afraid of ghosts or vampires, but I am afraid of Clowns, zombies, spiders, Michelo Chariot, Shirley Lane, and Bunny Higgins. Oh, and pop stars from 1990's and 2000AD scare me too. For instance, why does that crazy blond want all that silicon in her body? Why do pop stars wear too much makeup? I don't wanna be like them. I wanna write books.maybe be a teacher. But right now I have a less than flattering job(I won't go into detail). I also am a pretty good boxer. Maybe I'll be a boxing instructor/writer. Or I'll write books about boxing and train young up and coming boxers. Whatever. Anyway, I have a boyfriend who lives in Neo Japan, his name is D.J., he's a real catch. He's the son of Domon Kasshu, you know, the guy who won the 13th gundam fight? So D.J. is sooo cool! He's really nice to me and he's funny and he's also good- looking. Those qualities are hard to come by in the same man. I think I'll marry D.J. and also do all the other crap I wrote about. I like to read poems as well as the other stuff I mentioned. Edgar Allen Poe is a cool writer from AD. He wrote two of my favorite poems, "Annabelle Lee" and "The Raven".  
I go to a private school where you need to wear uniforms. The other girls make fun of me because I like to write poems and I've "got my head in the clouds". The boys sexually harass me. I'm gonna sue the school soon. It's really not fair. I wonder if schools were like this before the colonies were made. I'll bet they were. Jerks will be jerks, no matter what time period you're in.  
I'm gonna write my favorite poem down so I never forget it.  
"All that lives of legendry,  
Beauty, magic, mystery,  
Gentleness and purity  
Dwells in me.  
I no mate,  
No kin have know,  
None may claim me as his own  
One is one and all alone  
It must be.  
Through their  
Weariness and woe  
Men have sometimes seen me go  
Felt the winds from Eden blow,  
Suddenly!  
Though they hunt with spear and horn  
Knowing life cannot be borne  
If they have no unicorn,  
I am free,  
Though they kill and weep to see  
Beauty's symbol,  
Ended be, one is one  
And lives in me to eternity."  
It's called "the unicorn" and I don't know who wrote it. It's a beautiful poem. I really don't think I'm that pretty. I've got my dad's pointy nose and pointy chin. I don't like it. Anyway, I'm going to run away with D.J., we're going to elope. Well, I haven't asked him yet, but I think he'd like to. I know I'd love to. Even though I'm fourteen, I want to have a baby. I don't know why. Maybe because then Shirley would kick me out because I'd be useless. She sells me to older men for a few nights depending on how much they pay her. I hate it. I love D.J., if I ever have a baby; I want it to be his. Of course, it's not that easy. But like I said, I've got a nice body and pretty eyes, so I'm sure he loves me.  
"Sometimes I wonder why things can't be simple.  
Will these scars ever heal?  
Why do I want to die?  
Do I?  
How should I know?  
Maybe I'm an illusion.  
An angel?  
A demon?  
A fairy?  
A monster?  
A ghost?  
I.just don't feel real.  
My flesh is cold.  
My body is chilled.  
I feel so dead."  
Beautiful. I worked so hard on that poem. I wrote it myself. If my life ended tomorrow, I wouldn't be happy. I want to die in D.J.'s arms. I can't die unless I die like that, I won't let myself. I swear.  
I've waited so long for my prince, he's finally come. His name is D.J. , but he doesn't know that I'm a pitiful servant and love slave who isn't even paid. Would he still love me if he knew?  
"I don't know  
what words I can say,  
the wind has a way,  
to talk to me.  
flowers sleep,  
a silent lullaby,  
I pray for reply, I'm ready.  
Quiet.day..calms me,  
O serenity, someone, please  
Tell me,  
Mmmm, what is it they say?  
Maybe I will know one day."  
Hmmm.I wish I wasn't so dysfunctional..maybe, I'm not.then again, maybe I am.  
Why can't life ever be simple? Please let it all end. Please.ohhhhh god, please. 


	12. If I had wings

If I had wings, I'd fly away. I've been so lonely for so long..I.have considered..suicide, but.then I met him..George de Sand Jr., he was a prince. I'd been mean to him when we were younger. but..now I felt different. I smoothed my long green hair back, yes, the ugly green mess that I hate, and walks towards him. I was so nervous. My youngest sister was living with a guy already and I hadn't even had a decent boyfriend. My friend who is way younger than I am had dated more than 40 and slept with more than that. I hated her for that. Anyway, about George Jr., he was very cool to say the least, good-looking too, he looked like his father, except he wore sash around his eye cause it was plucked in battle or something (Note: to Dartagnandesand, I forget if George Jr. had the eye patch when he and Ruki fell in love, if not and if you find it a problem, tell me in the review) anyways, I never liked the French, thought they were wimps. But..he was different, he was brave. He'd lost sight in one eye in battle. That's the kind of guy I wanted to marry. Well, I didn't have long to wait, a few months later, we were out and he proposed! Now I have a pretty ring, but even without it, I'd still marry him. He's so cool! He's honestly the only person I really fully trust besides Dimitrov, Jo, and my dead parents. So it's only fitting that I become part of his family since I only seem to trust family. And do you know what? He was severely hurt in a war defending his country! Now that's something to tell my friends and family! Although, when I first told Jo, she got pissed off.maybe she was jealous or maybe I pissed her off first and she was getting even. But really, there was no reason to accuse my brave, chivalrous, handsome, smart, loving, and wonderful fiancée of being a coward and cheating on me. How could Jo say such things about my beloved George Jr.? He would never cheat on me. I'd never believe it in a million years, without question, I'm his one and only.: Rukina Alexandra Gulskii, daughter of Argo and Nastasha Gulskii, sister of.too many people to name. Anyway, Clover is happy for me and so is Dimitrov and I think Dana is too. But..my ex-boyfriend, Roan, isn't happy at all, it's because he's in love with Dana and she's married to George Jr.'s brother, Dartagnan.  
It's not fair of Roan. It's Dana's choice who she wants to marry, and the choice wasn't him.or that guy...Hael, was it? Well, maybe it would've been, but he's dead, so I don't see why that psychopathic vampire freak did all that stuff to her, I'm glad Roan killed him. Roan is brave too, a plain American G.I., but I love George Jr., so Roan doesn't matter. Anyway, Clover is upset with Dana because Roan is drinking himself to death. Clover cannot comprehend that her family CAN make mistakes and screw up their lives. She doesn't understand, she's that stupid. I mean, not to say Dana's my favorite person in the world, but it certainly isn't her fault if Roan wants to be a hopeless alcoholic. Clover's just making things worse. She upsets Dana, lashes out at Niko, cries for hours over her brother, is seen more times with D.J. than with Niko, and is a hopelessly stupid, oblivious ditz. But.Clover has always been there for me, she's my best friend. I want her to be in my wedding, but I'll probably have to put someone else in because most likely, Dana will be there and Clover hates Dana. There'd be a serious catfight if they were together.I'm talking big cats, African lionesses, not sweet fluffy kittens. Trust me, Clover fights like a cross between a lioness and her father. She boxes, bites, scratches, kicks, maims. Suffice to say, when she's drunk everyone better watch out. She really is a bad mother, she doesn't hurt her kids or anything, of course, but she's a hopeless alcoholic whore with little or no brains. She's hopelessly ditzy, and went crawling back to D.J. after he raped her. How stupid. I mean, I know she loves him, but..come on, the guy beat her to a pulp, raped her, and left her for dead. I don't care if Roan's wife really did tell him to do it or she'd kill Clover and Kimi, it was wrong. Dead wrong. And Clover doesn't care. She's like that, too trusting. I'll bet D.J. only likes Clover's breasts. Clover achieved what I thought she would since I first met her, became a DD-cup size by the time she was 14. I didn't think it was possible, but in Clover's case, I'd bank on it, and it's true. She gets the worst kind of attention with her perfect body, hair, eyes, and the job she has. And it's not to say my carrying around loads of weaponry and being engaged to a prince isn't conspicuous, cause it is, but still, I don't walk around in pink short jeans, a g-string and a tight white belly-shirt tee with no bra(that's what Clover wears, the shirt is too tight for a bra to even fit!). As always, this has been another oh-so-perfect page from...THE RUKI GULSKII DIARY 


	13. Dangerous ghosts

"The past is a ghost that haunts you, from the moment it exists, till the moment you don't."-Magic; the gathering, Mischievous Poltergeist.  
  
***NOTE*** WARNING: MORE PROFANITY THAN USUAL, THIS IS THE CATFIGHT CHAPTER, CERTAINLY NOT SUITABLE FOR VIEWERS UNDER 13!!! IF YOU ARE UNDER 13 YOU ACTUALLY SHOULDN'T EVEN BE READING THIS STORY, BUT DEFINITELY NOT THIS CHAPTER.  
  
***********************************************************\ THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! I'M WARNING YOU!!!!! THAT'S IT! FINE, READ, I JUST HOPE YOUR MOMMY DOESN'T SEE YOU READING THIS!  
  
'I can't stand the bitch. She always turns down my brother. The stupid whore!' 'Hypocrite!' 'Ruki! I am not a hypocrite, you stupid shit!'  
Ruki slapped Clover hard across the face. Glaring harshly at the younger girl, who was now quivering meekly on the floor in front of her. Clover sniffled and curled up into fetal position. Her face was now badly bruised. Ruki kicked her in the stomach.  
'Get up, you stupid bitch!'  
'Ruki, stop it!' Clover whimpered as she climbed slowly to her feet, shaking with pain and fear. Ruki kicked Clover again, causing her to fall back to the ground, now crying.  
'Stupid brat.' Ruki snarled at Clover's pitiful fallen form.  
'You have..ughh...no idea how much I...ahhh..hate that woman!' Clover growled, between moans of pain.  
'You're so stupid sometimes..She didn't ASK your brother to become a hopeless drunk.'  
'You're soooo mean! How would you like it if Dimitrov or Vlad started over drinking because of a girl?'  
'Y'know what, bitch? Dimitrov is starting to over drink because of you'  
'Bite me, you frigid Russian ass!'  
'Bring it, whore!'  
'You can't beat me, you dirty 'ho'  
'Yeah, sure, you STD infested slut!'  
'Fuck you!'  
'Fine, enough people have already fucked YOU, I was beginning to feel left out!'  
'Asshole!'  
'Tramp!' Clover punched Ruki in the face, Ruki kicked Clover in the back. The fight went on for hours, ending with Clover laying on the ground, bleeding and whimpering with her clothes shredded from all the scratching.  
'Don't mess with me, bitch, I'll kick your slutty ass any day' 


	14. Schitzophrenia?

"This is my private life, please get me out of here."  
-Private life, Oingo Boingo  
  
' Why doesn't anybody like me? I'm so alone. Why do Ruki and Dana pick on me?! Why do they get to be special!? How come they get to have only one true love and I am caught between two?! I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!! JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE!!!!! I WANNA DESTROY THEM! I WANNA DESTROY MY COLONY, ALL THE SPACE COLONIES! HELL, WHY DON'T I JUST RE-CREATE THE FUCKING DARK GUNDAM! LIFE IS SUCH A BITCH! Oh well... I..I... I just want to kill them all. why do they get to be perfect? So what if they had horrible childhoods like me? Mine was worse and my adulthood is worse. At least Ruki knew her mother..at least she's never been raped. And as for Dana, if I hear about her stupid dead boyfriend or I hear her say she knows how I feel one more time, I'll strangle her. I don't care if it makes Niko stop loving me, I will kill Dana. I'll kill Ruki too. I don't care anymore. I can die and so can they. Just like Ikari, just like Katsuhiko..just like ma and dad. Just like Crisis's mate. I've lost so many people, why shouldn't other people feel the loss too? I'd like to send Dana and Ruki on a one-way trip to hell. They'll never come back if I have anything to do with it, oh, have no worries, Ruki and Dana, it'll be a first class one way ticket to hell, bon voyage, bitch princesses! Heh heh heh...eh heh heh heh..aha ha ha ha ha AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..tee-hee. and ya know what? Shirley and Douglas and Grumman can go to hell too. And oh hell, how about just everybody who is evil and mean or bugs me, why don't they all rot in hell? Yes..and I don't care how messed up anyone thinks I am....  
But why though?  
Why what?  
Why do you want to do all that?  
Be quiet, you! This is just like lord of the rings, I rule us, I'm our master.  
Nuh-uh, I was here first and I don't like violence!  
Shut up, you wimp!  
No, you shutup! I'm sick of you! This ends now! We don't need you anymore, we're done! You will go away, and you won't come back! Ikari and Katsuhiko didn't die so we'd be evil.  
But we killed them, yes, it was us, don't you remember?  
STOP IT!  
Ikari killed herself because we were better than her, and Katsuhiko killed himself, because he thought we didn't love him  
"Clover? Who are you talking to?"  
No one, Roan!  
We're going to make your brother kill himself too, he thinks we're crazy, he thinks we are only one person  
But we are one person, just two different sides.  
You're the wimpy side of justice who needs to die, no one likes you, we must kill them all.  
NOOOOOO!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! STOP IT! JUST GO AWAY!  
I don't think so, we need me, we do.  
NO WE DON'T! I MEAN NO I DON'T! I'M GONNA GO GET HELP, THERE IS NO "WE" ANYMORE!  
Poor pitiful Clover, Clover is stupid, Clover is weak, Clover can't do anything  
But you are also Clover.  
Yes, but I am the true Clover, I am our real feelings, there is no need for a superficial pacifist wimp like you.  
GO AWAY! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!  
  
Clover...Cloooooover..Clooooooooooooooooooooooover!!!!!  
STOP SAYING MY NAME! I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU SAY IT!  
Clover Clover Clover Clover Clover Clover Clover Clover CLOOOOOOOOOVER!!!!!  
I SAID STOP IT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU CAN'T!  
Can't I?  
Please, just stop **sobbing** leave me alone!!!!!!!  
You get worked up sooooo easily, Clo-ver.  
Haven't you hurt me badly enough? Go away, just go away, you only cause bad things! All you do is hurt people!  
If you ask me, it was your fault your father died, you couldn't defend yourself when Michelo Chariot raped you..twice I might add. And that would make it your fault that you were sold as a whore, your fault Ikari and Katsuhiko committed suicide, your fault that you have two very sleazy jobs, your fault that your still getting raped, your fault you have that stupid tattoo of Gollum on your back-  
But I like Gollum! your fault Niko gets so depressed, your fault D.J. gets depressed, your fault that Roan and Estrellita or Roan and Sam, or Roan and whoever the bloody fuck he's dating right now don't get along, your fault Hinata died, your fault Freya and Aira disowned you and your brother..basically, the world would be better off without you.  
You..y..you're right..'  
Clover picked up a box cutter and sliced open her arm, the world slid out of focus and the last thing she heard before passing out was her brother, Roan, cursing and crying as he ran off to call an ambulance.  
  
"But I never intended all this madness, and no one really understood, well how could they?"  
-Jack Skellington, Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas 


	15. Clover's Delusion

"The only thing absolute here is your total lunacy!"  
-Millenia, GrandiaII  
  
It's so dark in here. So cold and dark..Roan? Big brother? Are you here? Why can't I see you? I can see blood and I can see corpses, but you are not here. If I let myself close my eyes, I am afraid I won't be able to open them. I'm scared and cold. I'm locked in this cold dark place without any clothes. Mama? Daddy? Are you here? No..they are not here...they are buried in the family graveyard at home. And my big sisters are buried in a mass grave somewhere in Neo China. Why did people bury them under the earth? I do not understand. I remember ever since I was a kid, boys and men would touch me a lot, and take off my clothes..everyone. My boxing instructor, my personal trainer, the government, the defense guys, people I didn't even know... daddy wasn't there then. But he was when Michelo Chariot did that to me. That was when I was little, Michelo shot daddy. Where did daddy go after Michelo shot him? Where did mommy go after I was born? Where is my big brother? Why am I in this place? It used to bother me when my personal trainer and my boxing instructor and the defense guys and the government would touch me and take off my clothes. But after a while, I never realized what was happening anymore. At first I said "No! Only Niko and D.J. can touch me!" but it didn't matter, because they kept doing it just the same. Why is everyone mean to me? Does everyone really hate me so much? There are times when I don't remember who I am..I remember now..my name is Clover Crocket and I am Neo America's Gundam Fighter. But now I am in this dark cold place, no longer at home. Is this what mommy and daddy wanted for me? I am like a little child, but I am a teenager, I don't know how old, maybe I'm 14 or maybe I'm 18..I don't know, because this place makes me child-like. In the universe of my mind, the dark, small, cold space I am in, I am 10 years old. In reality, outside of my poor distorted mind, I don't know how old I am. My hair is blue, my skin is smooth, my eyes are blue and I've got probably the best body in the colonies. Lots of boys and men like me, I like D.J. and Niko. I don't have friends anymore, no one wants to be my friend, no one likes me. All the people I talked about still do what they did, it hurts, but I don't feel the pain. They want to hurt daddy because he overrode so many of their decisions, but they are not hurting him. He is dead. I am alive. I am Clover, not Chibodee. I am not Chibodee. Chibodee was my daddy. I am Clover, not Chibodee. I will never be Chibodee because Chibodee is dead, just like Hinata and Aira and Freya..just like Katsuhiko and Ikari. Just like Shari, and Jun, and Nefertiri...just like Rex....and Niko's sister's friends. Everyone is dead. People do not exist. The world does not want them anymore, it is bored of playing with the human puppets.. We are not the earth's masters, we are its playthings. Terra is out master. Eventually my suffering will end, and all the people who fondle me and take off my clothes without permission will not exist. I will never be "hurt" again. Pain is bad. Pain and hate are what is killing Gaia. If we do not stop, Terra.Gaia...the earth..will die. I know it, but they do not. I feel the pain of the earth. I live in the colonies, but I hear the earth cry out in pain as humans kill it.  
Humans kill everything. Everything, humans think being alive means it has to move. Everything is dead to them...they do not care.. The Native Americans from before the colonies were correct in their assumption that we are to serve the land, not be served by it. Humans have forgotten their wisdom. The wind, the trees, the stones, the very earth speaks to me. Other people do not hear or understand. No one cares. No one does. No one understands, to them, I am crazy. To them, I need to be locked up. To me, it is them who need that. I just listen to wind. It speaks to me. The trees cry out in pain, the earth moans. I wish I had the power to change the world.  
  
"Grant me the power of revolution!!!"  
-Utena Tenjou, Revolutionary Girl Utena 


	16. Where

"You suck and that's sad"  
-The Happy Bunny  
  
In Neo America, rape is illegal. Unless you want to rape me. Yup, rape is illegal unless you're raping Clover crocket. Assault is illegal too, unless you're assaulting Clover Crocket. Prostitution is illegal, unless you are prostituting Clover Crocket. Murder is illegal, even for people who want to murder me, that's because I'm Neo America's gundam fighter. Oh, and I'm also Neo America's favorite pin-up even though I'm fourteen, because..you guessed it, child porn is allowed if that child is Clover Crocket. And it's all because of my dad. He wasn't compliant to the defense guys every whim, so they now screw my life up. It's only a matter of time before they start injecting me with drugs in my sleep. I'll bet they will. Then they'll make sure that I get pregnant the next time someone rapes me and they'll create all these shit-ass tabloid scandals and stuff. I really wish those guys would die. I mean, the one guy..Douglas or Grumman, either one, I don't know which is which, was already old when he was messin' with my dad, so he oughta be dead by now. And that other one, he just pisses me off, he looks like a fucking vulture! Know what? I was reading Jurassic Park, and I really wish I was a velociraptor, like those kick ass dinosaurs in the kitchen scene, then I could eat all the assholes who rape me and hurt me and abuse me. Yes, but first, I'd tear them apart with my toe claw! BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! SAYANORA, ASSHOLES!!! Oh well..I really wish Dana would leave me alone. I swear, that woman follows me. EVERYWHERE I turn, there she is. Always. It aggravates me. Niko should keep his stupid sister on a leash, I mean, is it my fault her husband disappeared? No, it isn't. If I was a velociraptor, I'd eat her right after I ate the people who hurt me. I don't think Dana likes me very much either. I don't think she's ever liked me. People like Dana and Ruki are mean. They feel special, so they spend their time belittling girls like me. Of course, I've got a better body than both of them, and more men are after my affections, but still, they treat me like an egotistical slut. I'm not one. I never asked to be raped everyday of my life since I was eight. And how can I help it if I'm stating a fact by saying I'm better looking than them. Honestly, I'm younger than both of them, and my breasts are bigger and my waist is slimmer, and my legs are the best damn legs in the entire universe. Really, and none of them have suffered what I've suffered. I mean really. Dana thinks she understands, but that's cause she's a bitchy little know it all. Really, and Ruki's called me a whore so many times, I might just have to live up to the name, after all, Ruki has a ton of brothers, most of whom think I'm hot. I wanna make Ruki cry. No matter how, I want to see her cry. I have some pity for Dana, because only ugly people rape her and although the government is full of ugly people, D.J. is hot and so are a few of the guys who come to "Cloud nine". Anyway, Dana and her friend make my brother cry. I hate them both! All the stupid women who are after the money, which my father left to Roan, can screw off! I won't have nasty moochers bothering MY brother! That Dana bitch is trouble! A moocher who is obsessed with famous boys if I ever saw one! She'd love to make my brother cry. She claims never to fall in love again, but she will soon, she's a needy, clingy, high-maintenance whiner if I ever saw one! Really, "Oh, I'll never fall in love again cause it'll make Hal upset. Oh, but here is Dart! Oh, Dart has disappeared, now I'll never love again, until I meet another man who has money, looks and fame." That bitch! Really, if I ever see her again, I'll kill myself. She's pretty enough, but not like me. I'm really beautiful. Dana just uses her petite-ness and feminine wiles to attract men, like a female Tyrannosaurus Rex. Then, she leaves them. I'll bet any children she ever has will be as unbearable and annoying as her. Really. I hope she dies. It's either her or me. My poor big brother must be sick of that dumb bitch too. I mean really. I don't...think Niko and D.J. really love me...I think they only like my body **crying** No one ever loves me for me. I guess that's the good part of having average looks. Dana and Ruki find true love. I don't. I'm a tragic beauty, just like Anthy from Utena. Just like Melphina from outlaw star. My big breasts, nice legs, slim waist, pretty face, and gorgeous hair and eyes are all I have going for me. I'm not brave or strong or smart or funny. I'm pathetic. I wish I was dead. I really do. All I get is rapists and men who just want to get between my legs and then leave me forever. **collapses, laying pathetically on the ground** Won't anyone ever love me? Please? Someone? Anyone? Why does no one answer. Is my perfection not enough anymore? **sigh** oh, I don't think I can stand it. I'm so depressed. **sniffle** I wish I could just die. Here and now. No one loves me, no one cares about me. I love Niko and D.J., but they don't love me..**sob** Nope..**hiccup** Won't some handsome shining hero come to my rescue? Please? Just a hero, that's all I ask, I don't want money or power, I just want to be loved and protected. Before she became so mean, Ruki used to say I was special.I was a miracle that any man who ever loved me should cherish. Now I'm just easy sex, that's all. No one likes me. No one loves me. I have no friends, no one cares about me.. Why do I even bother? Do wishes come true? If they do, just let me die, please? I'd do anything. Nothing is too much. Can anyone hear me? When will I find my samurai? Where's my shining hero? My prince charming? My love? Where? Where? Where? Why doesn't anyone answer? Am I that low now? So low that I don't deserve love and attention?  
Don't I deserve a hero as much as any fairy tale character? My daddy always said I was special.a princess. But I'm not. Because no one loves me. **crying** OH! JUST LET ME DIE! WHY DOESN'T THE GOVERNMENT JUST KILL ME?  
  
"No one likes you"  
-Gollum, Lord of the rings, the two towers. 


End file.
